Third Culture Kid Relationships: Attachment & Trauma

by | Oct 15, 2018 | Blog | 5 comments

The ways we attach…

I’ve been looking more deeply into attachment theory this week and it’s interaction with Third Culture Kid relationships. In this theory (read more about it here), Bowlby’s proposes that the way we experience relationship in our first few years draws up a blueprint for our later relationships. Some say that the way to establish what our early experiences (pre-memory) of attachment were is to look at the way we engage in relationships now. How do we do relationship in our present day lives? Do we feel secure in our relationships? Or perhaps we feel anxious about them never quite convinced the affections we receive will continue. Perhaps we feel avoidant in our relationships; aware of our need for connectedness but hesitant to ever be truly vulnerable in relationship, instead prioritising independence.

The ways we experience trauma…

Many of my clients have experienced trauma of one kind or another. Trauma may be understood as disordered emotional or behavioural functioning as a result of severe emotional or physical stress. Trauma with a big ‘T’ is easily recognised; earthquakes, civil war, a car accident. Trauma with a little ‘t’ is more subtle, but some of the experiences may include routine and frequent loss, linguistic and/or cultural alienation, family disfunction due to internal or external stressors, and physical illness that limits and complicates what would be seen as ‘normal’ day-to-day functioning.

What have these to do with Third Culture Kids?

Why am I linking attachment and trauma? Well, because there is such a thing as ‘attachment injury’ which, according to this fascinating article, is when trauma occurs within the context of a relationship. I’ve been pondering the implication of this with particular reference to my work with Third Culture Kids, who have experienced many of the little ‘t’ traumas I mention above. They also often experience relational challenges later in life.

It wasn’t easy to write that last sentence: Third Culture Kids often experience relational challenges later in life. And yet it is so understandable that this should be true! The repeated losses, the early carer-giver relationships left behind, the continued movement in adulthood complicating grounded connection to place and people… and the belief etched onto many of our hearts, “Everyone Leaves”. So why is it so hard to say?

The way we tell our stories…

So where does attachment injury or trauma of any other kind feature in our story? I hear it most often expressed as Self Blame. “If only I was stronger… more spiritual… less messed up…” And yet, if it is true that common challenges are felt across a particular demographic, we have to look beyond personal weakness for explanation. The data simply demands another explanation. Instead, I sincerely believe that,

Your challenges are not simply the result of personal failings, but are instead normal responses to extraordinary circumstances.

But where does this leave us? It leaves us in the uncomfortable position of inferring that certain elements of Third Culture Kid experiences as essentially traumatic. Traumatic because they interfere with the abilities of large portions of the TCK population to connect securely in their adult relationships.

Of course, there is hope. Where we learnt self-blame, we can learn self-compassion. And where we find compassion, we find acceptance… and here is what nurtures the most enduring change. We can change behaviours learnt through painful experiences. Change is, after all, what we do best.

Get in touch here to begin making your changes today.


A note or two

Now, two notes here. One, my suggestion here digresses from Bowlby’s focus on the mother relationship as the significant element in securing attachment. I would expand outwards and suggest that the evidence I am seeing points to a wider body of early relationships impacting on adult relationship patterns. If enough relationships are repeatedly severed, a secure maternal relationship may be insufficient to protect the TCK from feeling some of the impact of this. Though it should also be noted that maternal attachment is likely to be complicated where that mother is herself placed under significant strain, such as is experienced by many raising their families abroad.

My second point to note is that I fully expect to receive comments and emails from TCKs who do not feel they have had relationship challenges into adulthood. By positing that many TCKs experience relational challenge, I am not seeking to deny your more secure experiences. I am thrilled you have had such a positive experience. Instead, what I am doing (though I tremble slightly in my boots as I write) is to lend voice to the stories I hear where personal suffering has been too long compounded by a tendency to see the suffering TCK as an anomaly to the TCK experience. The TCKs who struggle with secure attachments and the effects of trauma, these are valid TCK stories too – and all the more difficult to tell.

5 Comments

5 Comments

  1. Kathleen Kelly

    I am an adult TCK from Cameroon, Africa. Very interested in what u say about Bolby’s (?) theory of attachment regarding the mother.
    For my MSW my research paper was @ TCK. Your statement helps me to personally understand my earlier traumatic experience in marriage from my childhood abandonment in boarding school, etc.

    I am trying to find any research or literature regarding children of TCK,s and any problems they may b having due to what I as an MK experienced

    Thank you very much

    Reply
  2. kathleen kelly

    Very informative article about Bolby’s attachment theory regarding mothers. Your suggesting that TCK,s experience far more attachment problems than just the original mother bond seems very true, especially with what the abandonment I experienced as an MK child in boarding school. As a young mother of 3 I re experienced abandonment with my husband. Praise God, our marriage was wonderfully healed.

    I believe our children have been affected by my MK background. I am looking for literature and research regarding how the TCK child is affected.
    Thank you so much

    Reply
    • Dr. Rachel Cason

      Hi Kathleen, thanks for reading and taking the time to comment! There is increasingly so much out there to help inform about own (and other) TCK experiences, but I’d say a good starting point for most recent research would be TCK Training – https://www.tcktraining.com/ They have two white papers now on there after their research on adverse childhood experiences and TCKs.

      Reply
  3. Lisa L.

    “By positing that many TCKs experience relational challenge, I am not seeking to deny your more secure experiences.” <–I think this is proof of how sensitive and considerate towards others you are, and I suspect being a TCK has something to do with that. NOT that all TCKs are considerate (!), but those who are learned as kids that they had to be Aware Of And Respectful Toward Everyone Else's Responses To Everything All The Time. It makes for great therapists and story facilitators, but I hope we give ourselves breaks as well. Thank you for the post.

    Reply
    • Dr. Rachel Cason

      I hear you! Thank you for that lovely comment, and insight too. Yes, our consideration of others can be both a strength and a weakness, and it takes a lot of self awareness (and self care!) to discern the difference. Giving ourselves a break matters!

      Reply

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